Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I have already put on my inside pants.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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