I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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