Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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