I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
