I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
