In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
