Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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