my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
