u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
