she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
