I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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