i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
