Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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