I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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