can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
