Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
