like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
