After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
