we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
