Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
