He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
