You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
