Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize