the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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