Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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