I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
