I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
