gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
