I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
