I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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