Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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