My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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