Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
