So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
