two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
