I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
