you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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