peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
barbara walters just said penis...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
