my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
