News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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