she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
