How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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