awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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