my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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