Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
