You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
