Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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