Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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