My room smells like vodka and shame
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
