TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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