I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there was a trapeze. enough said
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
