it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
