I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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