Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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