yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
